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How to become a Social Media Guru in 20 Steps

Social Media Guru


This is an ironic article.

Please read this as what NOT to do.

It's supposed to be funny and educational. Enjoy!

Update January 2016 -
Are these 20 steps not enough? If so, I've written a new article on 9 More Steps to Become a Social Media Guru! Enjoy!

Want to climb the heights to become a Social Media Guru? Want to learn the secrets? You're in luck!

In this article I am going to share with you the 20 Steps on how you too can become a Master Guru of Social Media!

Remember- this is very much a magic art- so keep this to yourself. DON'T share this article with anyone else!

Are you ready to start your path to awesomeness? Let's begin!


1. Learn How to Automate Everything

automationOne of the most important tips for any social media guru to learn is the art of automation. Some inexperienced people in the social media world choose to manually craft their social media updates or perhaps selectively automate certain tasks. To be a true Guru, you must learn to automate every social media task at least where possible.

There are many examples of automation, some of which I cover in some of the other steps in this article. Examples include:

  • Automatically following people back when they follow you
  • Automatic retweeting
  • Automatic mentioning
  • Automated direct messages and automated posts from another social media guru's blog
  • Automatic posting to LinkedIn from another Network

Sure, some less experienced social media people use some of these techniques, but to be a true Social Media Guru, you must practice them all- all the time.

Social Media Guru Tip 1: Learn to Automate Everything!Click To Tweet

2. All Social Networks are the same - Learn How to Cross Post

social-network-updates Some people say you should treat all social networks differently. They say that each social network have different audiences and different ways of working. Of course you need to treat such inexperienced advice with the contempt it deserves- of course all social networks are the same! OK, Twitter only allows you 140 characters, but that shouldn't stop you! It's important to cross post to all your social networks at once including Twitter, LinkedIn (your profile, groups and company pages), Google+ (profile and pages).

To be particularly effective you should learn to use features that don't exist in at least one of the social networks. This used to be fairly easy until Facebook decided to introduce hashtags. Nevertheless, hashtags and screen names should be used all the time, particularly when you post to LinkedIn. The fact that hashtags and screen names make no sense in LinkedIn shouldn't put you off- remember, to shine forth your inner Guru, you need to impress your followers and connections with all the latest techniques. Your LinkedIn followers may not have a clue what your hashtags or screen names are referring to, but they will look up to you in total awe and respect since you obviously know your stuff!

Social Media Guru Tip 2: All Social Networks are the Same! #socialmediaClick To Tweet

3. Twitter Power Tip: Automatic Direct Messages

socialoomph Direct Messages are a powerful tool in the Social Media Guru's tool kit. Use them frequently. Technically Twitter have a silly cap on how many messages you can send per day. However, since that number is 250, you can be pretty effective- especially when combined with automation. The most effective form of automated direct messages is the "auto DM on follow technique". By using a service like the one from SocialOomph, whenever someone follows you on Twitter, you send them an automated direct message to "thank" them for following you.

You can give the impression that you are interested in them as a follower, by using phrases such as

"I look forward to reading your tweets"

or even using their username or real name in the tweet-

"Hey, Ian- thanks for following me!".

To extend your Guru powers it's also good to introduce spelling morphing techniques (some less experienced social media people call this "text speak" or even go as far as "spelling mistakes"). Always use "Thx" instead of "Thanks". Remember, you only have 140 characters and you are busy.

Perhaps the most important lesson to learn in the automated direct message art is to blow your own trumpet. Remember- you are the centre of the universe (more on that later). Of course your followers are interested in your Facebook page or Pinterest profile- so get them to like it! To give you a start, here are some power phrases that will turbo charge you to automated dm light speed!:

"Hey, thx 4 following me iagdotme. Looking 4wards 2 reading yr tweets!!!!!"

"Thx for connecting. I'm more active on Facebook- let's connect here-"

"Thanks 4 following me. Looking forwards to knowing u. Like my Facebook Page >>>"

"Hi! Need some free stuff??? Check out our super awesome web page to win a free thing"

Social Media Guru Tip 3: Send Automatic Direct Messages on Twitter! #socialmediaClick To Tweet

Bonus Tip: LinkedIn Endorsements

LinkedIn Endorsements

LinkedIn Endorsements are incredibly valuable for every Social Media Guru. You should endeavour to build up the number of endorsements you have on your profile.  Combine this with Step 7 (Buy Reputation) to really power up your numbers. In addition you should endorse your connections. The key here is to endorse people for skills you have no idea whether they have or not. Don't know whether your connection Brian is good at SEO? Just endorse him! The reasoning behind this is that you are encouraging Brian to endorse you back and so increasing your number. Sweet!

4. You are the Centre of the Universe - Communicate your amazingness!

universeAll Social Media Gurus instinctively know that they are the centre of the universe. However, it's not enough to KNOW you are the centre of the universe- you need to communicate this and your total awesomeness to everyone you meet online.

Some inexperienced social media people regularly post links from their blog or website, or even recommend people check out something new. Unfortunately the fact that they only do this some of the time shows up their lack of self belief. To be truly effective here you must talk about yourself, your business, product or blog all the time.

Have a new testimony on your blog? Cross post to all your networks to get all your fans to check it out! Remember- you are incredibly important to your fans, followers and connections- so they are bound to drop everything they're doing to check out your cool new testimony. Remember, it's not enough to do this occasionally- you must ooze your importance in every social media update!

You should also think about your biography on your social networks and on your blog. Sell yourself- mention how wonderful and influential you are! A good test of how effective you are here is by seeing whether you would be comfortable describing yourself like this to someone in real life. For example, if someone asked me what I did for a living, I'd hardly reply that I was a "World Wide Social Media Guru Expert and Top Ranked Power Influencer", but it's different online! Examples of phrases to use are:

  • "Social Media Guru"
  • "Expert"
  • "Global Expert"
  • "Top Level"
  • "Power Influencer"
  • "World's Number One"

Social Media Guru Tip 4: You are the Center of the Universe! #socialmediaClick To Tweet

5. Numbers are EVERYTHING!

followers All Gurus are stats addicts- always chasing to increase their scores- checking them multiple times per day. In particular, you need to keep an eye on your Klout and Kred scores, Empire Avenue share price, number of fans on Facebook, number of followers on Twitter, subscribers on YouTube and number of people who have circled you in Google+. Never use tools like that aim to build up your community. Forget about the people you want to reach within your networks or your core community- it's the big numbers that count!

Social Media Guru Tip 5: Numbers are EVERYTHING! #socialmediaClick To Tweet

6. Your Klout Score is The Guru Score

Amazing Klout Score Speaking of numbers... your Klout score IS literally everything. To be a true guru you need to be aiming for a score of at least 85/90. If you follow the other tips in this article such as cross posting and automation, this will certainly help.

Social Media Guru Tip 6: Your Klout Score is The Guru Score! #socialmediaClick To Tweet

Bonus Tip: Misuse #HashTags

Chris Messina might have invented the hashtag on Twitter back in 2007, but he had it all wrong. Using the # for groups? Didn't he know hashtags are all about just looking cool? To be an effective Social Media Guru Master, you must use hashtags all the time, for no reason other than because, well, it looks cool and everyone else is doing it. Some social media people use hashtags to help with search, Twitter chats or to assign a tag or category. Avoid such tactics- just go hashtag mad!


7. Power Tip: Buy Reputation

Buy Twitter Followers Some time back, I wrote an article on "4 Reasons why you should NOT buy followers". Honestly, I find it embarrassing looking back at the points I made. What utter drivel! Of course you should buy followers on Twitter, likes on Facebook- and in fact all your social networks! Remember what we covered in Step 5- numbers are everything! There are so many fantastic services out there which are willing to take your hard earned cash in return for hundreds, thousands or even tens of thousands of followers. Do it now- you'll soon be able to show off your social stats with your head held high! Your followers will soon be in awe of you and treat everything you say with total respect.  Technically buying followers is against most of the major social networks' terms and conditions- but don't let that put you off- they'll probably never find out. Do you really want the hard slog of building a community slowly over time- building up trust with actual human beings? Tshh, give me 100,000 automated spam bot followers on Twitter any day- it's the making of the inner guru in you! An extra power tip is to use services like Empire Avenue to get people like and share your content. By spending money (either real currency or virtual) you can bribe people into liking and sharing your content. This is a great technique for the social media gurus out there. Make sure you get "just anyone" to share your content- it's not about reaching the people who might be influenced by your content, you just want to have the maximum reach and highest share rates.  

Social Media Guru Tip 7: Always Buy Reputation! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


8. Don't Worry about design

geocities Seriously Social You could spend money on a professional looking website, business cards and general branding and identity, but quite frankly- what's the point? I'll come on to some more website power tips in a bit, but to be a true guru you should use some cool retro techniques for your website. Remember Geocities? The cluttered look is very effective- pack as much as you can on to the page.  If you use WordPress, this is particularly easy, since you can add as many widgets to your sidebar as you can. It might slow down your site a bit, but you'll stun your website visitors with your amazing Guru Techniques! Your logo should be big and in your face. A special power tip here is to use a funky font like Comic Sans to give that cool look. Use pop ups, flash banners, splash screens and huge numbers of social plugins (I mean it!) Just remember- pack it all in- leave professional design to the boring corporate types.  

Social Media Guru Tip 8: Don't Worry about Design! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


9. Don't Worry about content


The internet, business, social media and marketing has nothing to do with content. Some people say "Content is the currency of the web". As a Guru, you know that data is just a collection of 1s and 0s, so the quality of the content on your blog or social networks is not very important. With so much content on the web, it's pointless trying to make your content stand out- you didn't think people were actually going to read it did you?!   What is important here is to deliver LOTS of low quality content. Recycle titles and basically lift content from other blogs. Use popular news sites like Mashable and recycle their content (maybe change a few words just to be safe). Surprisingly, global brand Coco-Cola famously changed from being focused on "creative excellence" to "content excellence". Coca-Cola, in this badly thought-through strategy, seem to be under the impression that content is more important than just showing how amazing you are!  

Social Media Guru Tip 9: Don't Worry about Content! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


10. Use ALL the social platforms

social networks Almost everyone has heard of YouTube, Twitter and Facebook, and a big number of heard of LinkedIn or even Google+. A true Social Media Guru doesn't stop there- you must learn to have a presence on all social networks and master them. If this sounds like an onerous task, then remember steps 1 & 2- automation and cross posting are key here. At a basic minimum you should be using YouTube, Twitter, LinkedIn (profile, groups and company page), Google+ (profile and page), Facebook (profile and pages), Instagram, Vine, Path, XeeMe, SoundCloud, Last FM, AudioBoo,, Pinterest, Gentlemint, SnapChat, Flickr, 500px, Foursquare, Tumblr, Yammer and Vimeo- but that is just a basic minimum. A true guru needs to be at the front of the queue for all new social networks.

Social Media Guru Tip 10: Use ALL the social platforms ALL the time! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


11. Become a Retweet Master

retweet master You  would be forgiven for thinking that the art of retweeting goes against some of the other points in this article. True, it's important to give the impression that you are the centre of the universe and learn the art of one way communication, but retweeting is different. Retweeting gives a feigned impression that you are vaguely interested in what someone else has to say, but do this effectively as a Guru you need to learn the Guru Retweeting Guidelines. Firstly, you will be particularly effective if you retweet in bursts- perhaps 10 or 20 at a time. Nothing smacks of a true guru than a timeline full of retweets! Secondly NEVER read the articles in the tweets you retweet. Remember- you are busy or are at least giving the impression of being busy. True gurus never read articles they retweet.

Social Media Guru Tip 11: Become a Retweet Master! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


12. Always Follow Back - the More the Better!

Follow BackUnfortunately Twitter has recently made some changes to their "Rules of the Road"- effectively their terms and conditions in which they now have outlawed the technique of auto follow back or bulk following. Auto follow back is the practice of automatically following back someone who follows you. Don't let this perturb you! Remember, social media has the word "social" in it- so you need to connect with everyone on all the social platforms you are on (which of course is every single social network that exists). Some inexperienced social media "professionals" may tell you there is the potential of following large numbers of spammers, zombie accounts and people who have no interest in you- but as we've already discussed in point no.5- numbers are everything- so it doesn't really matter. Previously you could use a tool such as SocialOomph to do the auto follow back, but they've stopped offering the service due to Twitter's changes. Hopefully someone will come back with an app that replaces this as Twitter's changes have only made the Guru's job much more difficult.  

Social Media Guru Tip 12: Always Follow Back! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


13. Do LION on LinkedIn

LION The acronym "LION" stands for "LinkedIn Open Networker". It is the practice of connecting with people on LinkedIn that you've never met before in order to bridge networks of closed people. Technically the LinkedIn terms and conditions state that you should only send and accept connection requests from people you know, but social network terms and conditions are there to be broken! The true power of LIONs is to build up your network to an insane level (remembering of course that numbers are everything) and being able to connect with more influential people who were previously out of your network. These influential people who are now closer to becoming your connection will probably not connect with you or at least respond to any of your messages or InMails- but that is missing the point. The fact is, you've built up your network to Guru status and your connections will be in awe of the people in your 1st level connections list. A power tip is to put the "LION" in your name in LinkedIn- that way you'll be showing off the fact that you will accept invitations from anyone. Again, technically this is against LinkedIn's terms and conditions, but whatever...  

Social Media Guru Tip 13: Do LION on LinkedIn! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


14. Pop Up your Web site


Jack in a Box Don't click the Jack in a Box!

Forget web standards and in fact think about the sanity of your website visitors- a true Social Media Guru needs to Bling up their website. This means plenty of special effects and blockades as the visitor walks through your website (if they get past the first page). Ideas to look at implementing could be an initial splash screen or a gate technique to instantly get people to sign up to your newsletter when the visitor wants to view an article on your site. Use pop ups on every page (don't give visitors the option for it to not appear next time) and use flash for snazzy effects (they won't work on most mobile devices- but who browses the web on a phone?!) If you put a roadblock in front of your visitor at every point, they will soon just give up and sign up for your mailing list. It works every time- 100% guaranteed!  

Social Media Guru Tip 14: Forget Web Standards- Pop up your Website! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


15. It's all about Selling

dollar Sell, Sell, Sell! This should be your mantra. Forget people, forget everything- you are a selling machine! You need to pounce on everyone who visits your website as well as everyone you meet in real life. Shove your product or service in their faces- they NEED it! They WANT it! Your website should be just one big advertisement for your product or service- SELL IT!!!!!!!!. Make sure that people know that the only reason you are talking to them is because you want to sell them your latest thing. They'll soon give in and become your latest customer.  

Social Media Guru Tip 15: It's all about Selling! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


16. Hide behind your business - Be B2B or B2C


mark schaefer

Mark Schaefer coined the acronym "P2P"


wallInternational author, professor, international speaker and marketing consultant Mark Schaefer talks about being people-centred in his book "The Tao of Twitter". He says we should stop thinking of a business as "Business to Business" (B2B) or "Business to Consumer" (B2C) because people have a deep desire to connect and have a relationship with real people- i.e. Person to Person (P2P).  Mark Schaefer should be ashamed of himself for such "touchy feely" nonsense! To be a truly effective Social Media Guru, you should hide behind your corporate identity. It is also important to make sure that your corporate identity has nothing to do with you or your personality. Hide behind it and be corporate- people will be truly impressed by how professional you are!  

Social Media Guru Tip 16: Don't be Human- Hide behind your business! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


17. Never admit mistakes - You know Everything!

Nobody is Perfect except me You can't know everything, but as a true Guru you should never admit that! You should also NEVER admit any mistakes. How will anyone trust you if you admit that you are fallible? Do you want people to think you are but a mere mortal human being? They're certainly not going to let you loose on their project! Some social media people suggest that admitting mistakes can create transparency and build trust, but this rule does not apply to Social Media Gurus. If you combine this with Step 4 (you being the centre of the universe) you will be particularly effective.  

Social Media Guru Tip 17: Never Admit Mistakes! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


18. Learn the Art of One Way Communication

One Way Leave listening to the low level social media types. You are too busy to listen to all the people on Twitter moaning about what they had for breakfast. You must launch into a long stream of shouts, rants and pearls of wisdom to your followers and fans. A useful technique is connecting a news feed to Twitter or Facebook so that there is a constant stream of one way content. People might occasionally reply to an update, but they'll soon realise that you are far too important to respond to their petty comment. Another power tip is to link your Facebook page to Twitter and LinkedIn so that visitors are taken to the post on your Facebook page. You could use a social media management tool with a funky URL shortener to make the Facebook post look really cool. This will also have the advantage of hiding the site that the article is on- the visitor will so want to click on it to find out what it is.  

Social Media Guru Tip 18: Learn the Art of One Way Communication! #socialmediaClick To Tweet


19. Always respond with just a few words or not at all

monosyllabicRemember, to be a Social Media Guru you must act like a Social Media Guru. You are very important- so act important. Once you rise up to the heights of a Social Media Guru you'll soon receive large numbers of mentions on Twitter, Facebook & LinkedIn comments and emails. If you really must reply- do this selectively and with as few words as possible. You must give the impression that you are far too busy to deal with your fan base. This is particularly effective if a fan has sent you a very long email and you reply with just two words. You don't want to give the impression that you care or want to build upon a relationship!

Social Media Guru Tip 19: Always respond with just a few words or not at all! #socialmediaClick To Tweet

20. Hold Back on your Mystical Secrets

secret Social Media, SEO and digital marketing are all dark arts- ones that require years of training in research from the University of Middle Earth. Always remember this! Never speak in plain English- you must confuse your website visitors and social media connections with strange mystical words such as "clickability", "SoLoMo", "big data", "gamification", "agile marketing", "KPI","PPC", "CPL", and "ROI". Never explain these words and always assume everyone knows what you are talking about with a virtual knowing smile. You should NEVER share your social media secrets with others on a blog- otherwise you'll lose everything you have. Some people mistakenly say that sharing all your knowledge builds trust- but if you give everything away you'll have nothing left and people will see the real you, which if you are a true Guru might not be all that pleasant....

Social Media Guru Tip 20: Hold back on your mystical Secrets! #socialmediaClick To Tweet

Want More Steps? Read On...

There was me thinking 20 steps was enough. But no, you wanted more. So, I've published an article with 9 More Hot Tips on how you can reach the giddy heights of guru stardom. Have a read, but make sure you are sitting down first!

The Return of the Social Media Guru

How to Become a Social Media Guru in 9 More Steps

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Barbara Radisavljevic

Since you published this Klout has disappeared, so we won’t have to worry about that reputation anymore. I’m afraid too many will take this seriously. In fact, I’m sure I’ve run across people on Twitter who consider this gospel. As you can see, I’ll never be a social media guru. I really do want to communicate.

Darren Jeffers

20…………………never share your social media secrets in a blog. By the time I’d reached 20 it was clear no secrets would be shared but common sense dressed us as secret information was in abundance

Muneeb Hassan Soomro

Excellent article Ian.
I have printed it to read it in detail one more time!

Would love to connect and talk to you.

Mohd. Atif

Very useful tips. I like the way of explanation of all the points, but I am confused with 6th point (Klout Score). When I tried to open the website (Klout), it’s showing me the error. I am bookmarking your blog and follow each and every step in the future.


I was taking notes until the bonus step. ? Dammit why.


Best article ever! Really helpful information. Thank you 🙂


Very funny and nice Article…………..


OMG! SO, SO FUNNY! Thoroughly enjoyed sir! There’s a stand-up set in here — please tell me it’s coming to YouTube soon. 🙂

Tim Campbell

Was very worried this was legitimate…once I caught the joke I truly enjoyed the laugh!
Thank you for sharing and encouraging critical thought!


Very funny article!! Was a treat to read! This will certainly help out loads of people to become Social Media masters.

David Perry

I laughed through it all. Loved it Ian. Don’t mind if I share.
– @SocialDave

Andrej Sagaidak

Pros are always pros being a digital marketing expert a much needed information needed to know since the era we are having right now is called as social media era. Obviously some new strategies needs to be adopted.


I read the comments and I thought that most of readers didn’t read you article. I laughed SO much and loved your irony. I hope the trick to be (at least) proficient in social media is doing the opposite.
Or maybe I’m wrong, but maybe, maybe I’m right.
My KLOUT score is a goddamn 53. Jeez.

Sandesh Mokal

Hi Ian,

This is by far the best article i have read on the subject, and trust me I have read many. Also if you could share a similar article from a Brand’s perspective that will be of great help.

Please email me, there is plenty to be discussed.
Thanks already.


Gloria John

Great article with great insights. One of the best article I have read so far about becoming a social media guru. I really learned a lot today and appreciate you for sharing all this great and valuable information with us. Out of all the awesome points, I like #9, a responsive design of the website is a must. We need to take special attention of website design and its functionality. thank you, Ian, for sharing the great stuff with us and keep doing the same in future ?


I love this article, precise and to the point.
Definitely,it was what I was looking for.

mohammad fakhruddin

Dear Ian
Thank you so much for sharing the best tips.
I hope you will be submitted this type of articles in future.


I am also become a popular on social media.. Thank you for sharing the best tips.

Tammy Chambers

Hi Ian,

I found your article after doing some online research for possible careers. I’m currently a stay-at-home mom of 4, feeling like I need to spread my wings and rediscover myself by throwing myself into some of my passions to see where they take me. Your article was very informative and I bookmarked it to refer back to. I thought about starting a blog but…there are soooo many out there, plus I have various interests, I wouldn’t know how I would narrow it down? I want to be an entrepreneur but….am still discovering what I have I can offer & sell? I believe in the power of social media and plan to use it once I have a clearer business vision! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and opinions with the rest of us. ?
– Tammy Chambers, future Entrepreneur

Michelle Arrived

Hello Ian, I stummbled on your Guru blog and thankful you are fourth telling about social networking. Personally, I am not a great networker an trying to begin the journey of it to be better. I should be all up on social media, but I am not much of a participate; now seeing the importance of it’s knowledge in order to get a job. I want a job, so I need to learn this social media and get goodf at it. My question, I guess, is, where does someone like myself, an artist who is shy and doesnt leave the house that much and likes to be private and dislikes the, “I’m so amazing, I just got my lips injected, so follow me because I’m pretty,” aspect of social media, which has made me aware that I stunted my own growth in business, where can I really start to gain knowledge and hold down this social media stuff? I am looking for part-time work in art galleries and they all require an amazing knowldege of social media. To put it at it’s simplest, I’m lucky I know how to turn on a computer and get on the internet. That’s how… Read more »

Naomi Dunbar

This was really great, it brought a smile to my face and thanks for sharing!!!

[…] social channels. In case you’re uncertain of what it takes to become a social media guru, here’s a free guide to help you […]


Ha! Funny, educational, and the honest-to-God, holy grail social media method for quite a few “gurus”—of the YouTube sort in particular.

Virginia Thompson

I love this article I learned a lot of terms but not how to do it. So, where’s the beef? 🙂

Harold Gardner

I was missing a few of these steps; so thanks for helping me 2 complete the list. So refreshing to hear from sum1 who really gets gurudom! I might even credit U for an assist….probably not…that would deprecate my gurudom.

Sule Ashe

Great Article Ian. I would like to have a P2P discussion with you on how I can get better. My email is right up there. Pls contact me if you can. Thx


Thanks for clearing the ‘Guru-vity’ air, Ian; I was about to wonder if you were being earnest 🙂


Thanks for sharing the secrets, great info


Enjoyed reading your article, it wasn’t regular, it wasn’t ordinary. In fact it challenges the regular & the ordinary.
That’s what I love to read!

mohammad umair

Ian this has to be one of the funniest write-ups I have read. It is like the Super Bowl finale of online thrashing where boys are separated from men.


This was HILARIOUS! Mostly because I just read one of your other articles saying not to do something and then here you go telling us you should. I’m sure at least a few people out there took notes on this and thought they were about to become a Social Media Guru. lol

Laurie Woodward-Garcia

You crack me up Ian!

Lucy Hall

What a clever and funny article! 🙂 brilliant!

David M. Beach

woo hoo.. on my way to making millions as a #guru Thanks for these!!!! lol

Carol Lynn Rivera

This was hilarious. And what’s funnier (and also sad) is that as I was reading I thought… someone somewhere is reading this and taking notes. Have you considered your third career in comedy? (You’ve already got social and singing!)

Mallie Hart

Late to the party as usual, but so happy to finally arrive and dive into the punch bowl.

1. Hee-freaking-larious.

2. How could anyone, for even a second, miss the immediately obvious tongue-in-cheek style.

3. I can’t wait for the follow-up, but I just don’t know how you’ll best this.

4. I don’t think content marketing experts had this in mind when it comes to EVERGREEN writing, but this, Sir Ian, shall never go out of fashion!

Maggie Ryan

I have to admit I was slow to the uptake! I’ve read so many serious articles (and “interacted” with so many serious tweeple) that all seriously suggest these things [Like buying followers and the absolute vital importance of your Klout score]. So at first I wanted to punch the d-bag author (sorry Ian!) but then I had a good laugh and this is now my all-time favorite article in the history of social media gurus.

Ayan Ali

can anyone help me regarding social media and seo as a new comer???

Danielle Scott

was just about to write a treatise on the use of comic sans when one of those punch-you-in-the-face subscribe gates popped up for….irony in action. thank you for your terrifyingly accurate observations. Now I’m going to log out and water the pot plants.

Danielle Scott

Well watered thank you Ian, and one of my 2015 resolutions will be to take a 12 step programme on how to log out when you say you’re going to. The stylish (and obviously effective) opt in box looks very now and guru so you could just say it’s evidence from ‘in the wild’, your wonderful description of onlinery. Using Comic Sans has parallels with the article – great if you use it ironically, tragic if you don’t. It rates a mention in this song about fonts by a friend who is a type designer and plays in a duo ‘Nerds & Music. Merry Christmas!

Danielle Scott

Thanks Ian, glad you enjoyed the song. Sometimes even disorganised extroverts laugh at it, but as confidently prophesied in the New Testament, the geek (occasionally spelled with an ‘m’) has indeed inherited the earth, or close to.
2015 will be amazing as I’ve decided to bestow more love and attention on my website to build it into a proper business. Much amazement to you also!


Really good one 🙂 Maybe you should add #21: send auto DM messages to people you’re not following on Twitter. Time is money, and you don’t want to sped time responding to people you don’t know. That’s why your DMs are automated after all! By sending these auto DMs to people you’re not following, they’ll never be able to respond, and you won’t waste time checking their (probably) worthless messages!

Shekhar Raj Dhain

One of the funniest things I’ve ever read..superb stuff.


Nice… I’m so new to the social-sphere that I thought you were being serious… Hilarious!!!

Cole Melville

YOU ARE PURE EVIL! Here I am intently jotting down your brilliant tips right up until #5 (ok maybe 7) …….hey now wait a second!!!!….. lol

Bridget Willard

Hilarious! #1 and #2 are my biggest pet peeves.

Bridget Willard

And the most commonly abused.

Bridget Willard



What a load of absolute bollox. People really shouldn’t be doing things as this guy says. You’re clearly not a ‘guru’ as you put it and anyone else with any know-how can also see straight through your bs.


Very funny – my type of humour.



Nate P

LOL that was hectic…I’ll admit my guard was down as I was tired as I was reading this, and in a state that could be described as highly open to suggestion…not that I agreed with everything but I wasn’t putting up much f a mental resistance…but then you went on and dropped the “power tip” Sans Serif and it hit me! Well played sir!

Nate P

‘Comic Sans’

amir levy

thank you very much! but I wouldnt “Hide behind your business ” the voice of the person within the company is impotent.

Mallie Hart

I can’t pass this one up. An impotent company voice. That conjures up some not safe for work imagery!


At first, I started to be angry to such an article, then I realize after a few piece of ‘advice’ how ironical it was.

Tiwanna Lynn K.

This article was by far the best article I have read so far about becoming a social media guru. I must admit even with the seriousness of this content, I found some parts hilarious but mostly educational and entertaining. Now that I have my batman cape on I feel like a brand new person. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful article with you viewers. Now I must sell sell sell! lol

drew lussier

where can i find a practical list of how to become a true social media rocket surgeon?

Jan Futtrup

found myself building up a bit of a “harm feeling” … and now I see the point! Love the article! GREAT LOL